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After dinner Mengele left, and then Claub, and then others Erich didn't know by name.  Kaltherzig's hired staff cleared the table, fluttered here and there until everyone was settled with drinks and cards, and then left themselves.  Someone started the phonograph. There were new arrivals, some already quite drunk.  Erich was glad to see the help gone.  Now he had something to do, keeping glasses filled and ashtrays emptied.  

The party swelled, and then shrank again, into a milling and increasingly noisy little swarm, some settled in the dining room, some in the living room talking and smoking.  

Lieser even swiped at Erich once as he went by, in what was probably a drunken attempt at a pinch.   

Everyone laughed except Kaltherzig.   

"That's not exactly becoming of an officer, you know."

"What, making a try at a boy?"

"Making a try at my boy," Kaltherzig said, and drew Erich closer, and put an empty glass in his hand to refill.  "What will our guests think?"

"Most of those guests are gone," Lieser pointed out, and got his own laughter.  And right about then was when Erich began to develop the strong wish to be sent to bed.  He was fairly sure he knew what Lieser meant, and it did not exactly fill him with a sense of safety.   The dread did him no good.  Foresight was useless when you had no free will, and so he filled glasses and found matches and drank when someone insisted he should, and many did.  He told himself he was being ridiculous, that everyone seemed to be in a wonderful mood, and that included Kaltherzig, and the briefly raised voices that seemed on the verge of an argument were quickly calmed into laughter again.  He told himself it was nothing like the swimming pool, and that, at least, turned out to be true.  

The roaring fire soon warmed the house from comfortable to distressing, and Erich took off his new coat once he saw that others had begun to do the same.  Kaltherzig laughed when he saw this, and pulled Erich close to his chair, till he was standing between the doctor's knees.  He unbuttoned each of Erich's sleeves and rolled them up, and then loosened his tie.  The card game went on around them.  

"I'll buy him from you," Lieser said, and pretended to offer Kaltherzig a handful of poker chips.  

"Not for sale.  I'd never find a replacement."  Kaltherzig was unbuttoning Erich's collar.  "This one is too obedient."

"How obedient?"

And that was when Kaltherzig's eyebrow went up.  Erich had time to think Goddamn you, Lieser, and then Kaltherzig's finger hooked into his collar, turned him, and drew him down into Kaltherzig's lap.   His hands came down on the doctor's knees, and he snatched them away, teetered on the edge of spilling himself onto the floor, and then grasped the arms of the chair.  

Once he was stable he immediately tried to stand again, a scalding blush climbing from his throat to his face. Kaltherzig's arms came around him.  One hand covered his throat, not squeezing, but keeping him straight and still so the others could see his face.  That was bad enough.  Eyes were infinitely worse than cameras, he discovered, and the fact that a few were still talking to one another, apparently aware of and not particularly interested in this drama made it worse and not better.  It made him feel distinctly unreal.  

Kaltherzig held his head still and said, "Don't move," and Erich felt the doctor's hand on his stomach and then felt his belt buckle tugged at.  He thought perhaps Kaltherzig had gone mad.  Lieser was, for once, not laughing.  He watched with those eerily pale eyes wide and pleased.  Obedient.  He didn't move, except to swallow, and he felt his throat press against Kaltherzig's palm.  It made him swallow again.  Kaltherzig unfastened his belt, unbuttoned his pants—and then slid his hand inside.  

Erich tried to keep still, but his body jerked in spite of his wishes, and apparently he was still not drunk enough to prevent an erection.  The fact that this could not possibly happen now in front of all these eyes did nothing to stop it. He thought  Kaltherzig was going to seize the waistband of his underwear and pull it. This had been regarded as the height of humor in some of his school classes, and Kaltherzig seemed to be in the mood to play.  Instead Kaltherzig's hand slid past this, too, and wrapped around both of his balls, warm and sudden.

The sound Erich made started that inescapable laughter again.  Lieser still didn't join in.  

This is how he looks behind the camera.  If Kaltherzig is a bird, this one is a snake.  

He whispered "Sir, there are people," and watched Lieser grin at his horror.  

"Yes," Kaltherzig said, very near his ear.  "And you hate that.  Don't move.  Keep your hands just where they are."   And he spread Erich's knees with his own, and his hand came up to cover the boy's mouth.  

He squeezed, very slowly, and very hard.  

Erich clung to the arms of the chair as if he would drown without it, every muscle locked tight.  He thought he won't, he can't, I can't. and the pressure became an unfolding, deep, sick pain that quickly climbed into anguish.  

He managed about twenty seconds before he began to scream into Kaltherzig's hand.  Lieser pretended to applaud him.  He kept his hands where they were but he could not control his legs, and when his knees came up Kaltherzig struggled with him briefly and then wrapped his legs around Erich's until they were too tangled to kick, and closed his hand harder, and let him scream.  When he had to stop screaming to breathe he could hear them laughing, more of them applauding with Lieser, in little staccato bursts.  

Something went wrong in his throat, and this noise was more howl than scream, and his hands still clung to the arms of the chair, though his arms seemed to be trying to pull them free.  Tremors of motion shook his body.  Kaltherzig was hard underneath him.  The doctor did something new with his hand—a roll of his fingers, a slow merciless pull, and Erich could not scream anymore, because the pain boiling low in his stomach rolled upwards into his throat.  Kaltherzig felt him gag, and eased his grip, just as slowly as he'd tightened it.  

Erich collapsed, head back against Kaltherzig's shoulder, cold with sudden sweat.  He croaked, "God," and then "Don't."  Both were equally unintelligible.  He gave up.  

Kaltherzig's hand was cupping his head, the hand between his legs cupping too, gentle and warm and intolerable.   "One more."

Erich wanted to gag again.  "Don't."

"Keep your hands there."

"Cover my mouth!" he said, now in desperate panic.

"No," Kaltherzig said.

"May I?" Lieser said.  

Erich groaned in his throat at that, and almost thrashed in Kaltherzig's arms.  

"Yes," said Kaltherzig, and Erich could hear the grin.  He'd done that to himself, he realized, and then Lieser stood and he closed his eyes.  

Lieser was expert and gentle, cupping the back of his head with one hand and pressing the other over his mouth smoothly and firmly.  He said "No, open them," and when Kaltherzig did not countermand this order, Erich did.  

The scent of Lieser made him frantic and furious, but the pain was quick and obliterating, dragging more of that desperate hysterical howl up from deep in his chest. He forgot everything except that in some other universe he must not let go of something he could no longer feel.  Then he lost hold of even that, peeled down to id, and his arms dragged both his hands away from the chair.  

There were almost shouts from his audience, half disappointment, half a cheer.  He seized Kaltherzig's wrist and discovered that this did no good whatsoever, unless he wanted to pull, which he definitely did not want.  He wanted to shriek in frustration, but what happened instead was more of a wail.

Kaltherzig made some sound Erich could feel more than hear at that, but he responded not at all.  

"You know what will make me stop, now, don't you?"  Kaltherzig murmured, very close to his ear, so that no one else could hear it.   He knew.  It was simple and awful and he didn't want to do it, but he knew. He let go of Kaltherzig's wrist, put his hands back on the arms of the chair.   It made him cry to do it.

Kaltherzig loosened his hand almost at once,   "Let him go," he said to Lieser.  And oh, dear God, he was letting go too, and Erich relaxed too soon, panting and gasping and thinking I have to get out of his lap, or he'll do it again.  Kaltherzig paused, his hand still hidden in Erich's pants, and pinched the head of his cock, just once, fast and hard and over by the time Erich could yell about it.  

Then he was fastening Erich's belt again while the boy struggled to draw up his knees.   The pain in his stomach was vast and poisonous.  

"You'll live," Kaltherzig said, close to his ear. He pushed Erich forward.  He expected to be able to stand and found himself wrong, and sat down again, gasping.   He wanted to curl himself up, would probably die if he couldn't curl himself up around that ache.

"Lieser, take our wounded to my room."  

"No!" Complete panic.  He fumbled at Kaltherzig, trying to cling to him, but Lieser pulled him to wobble on his feet and kept him from falling.  "Sir, you take me, please--"

"I will be there when I get there, and we'll discuss that no."
Just one hit. Just one. Don't you want just one?
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:icondevante9901:
devante9901 Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
Oh good God. Erich. Two "Don'ts" and a "no." Even I am terrified.

Nineteen - I am deeply disturbed by how much I love Schadenfreude. Read what I believe is the original draft in January 2013. Like a previous person said, I too walked around devoid of emotion for a week. And then I read Schadenfreude again. More slowly. And then I imagined what happened after the end. I still find myself doing that. It hurts my heart and my guts in the most beautiful way. And I can't describe it any better than that.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Professional Writer
That's exactly what it's supposed to do. I love that it's sitting around Gurochan like a carnivorous plant still snaring people. This pleases me immensely.

I take a certain delight in being hideous to my readers and hopefully costing them a great deal of sleep.

Welcome to DA. As much as I love/hate this place it saddens me that it seems to be slowing and dying lately. It's lovely to see a new member.
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:icontasuki17502:
tasuki17502 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012
Oh wow. I had no idea EXTRA content was going into this. You already had my money when I heard there was going to be a book to buy, but now I am even MORE excited to one day own this.

Best of luck as you continue to edit. I very much look forward to sitting down with the physical copy once its out. It will probably be VERY difficult for people to reach me once I get it. . . I will be too busy floating around in my mind and reading through it. I have already read the online one twice through and each time I am left at a loss for words to describe it. I feel giddy and amazed and inspired. I feel like flying.

Thank you SO much for continuing to work on it! I don't care how long the wait is. This is one work of fiction I simply will NEVER forget!
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Professional Writer
There's places that needed new film and places where I seemed to promise you film and not deliver any. Erich remembers this happening when he's in New York but I apparently never wrote any text to go with that. My second drafts always include more evil. I can't help myself. Nothing significant is going to change about the plot in any way.

Then fly. The stories are supposed to be contagious...
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:iconpetraeus27:
petraeus27 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012
Ok, let me first tell you that I read Schadenfreude exactly about 1 year ago and was
literally emotionless for one week or so. I walked around like a ghost during inside
my mind the story went circled and did not let me free. It had a huge
effect on me (and later made me visit a seminar at our university about the medical
experiments of the SS in Auschwitz). And now its a bit ironic (and I do it with all
respect and admiration for you and the piece of art you wrote) that I have to
correct one name in this lovely directors cut: the name of the one, who performed
the sterilization experiments on women was Clauberg, not Claub - or do you just shortened it?

I saw you uploaded Hero´s Torch here and Iam almost (afraid) ready to read it.......

(Sorry, if there are mistakes in my english..)
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you, dear. I'm envious of your seminar. It's fairly difficult to find material about that topic without it being a new arrangement footnoting all the other material.

I think I intended to make up the name, though it's also possible I read the correct name at some point and mangled it in my head. Thank you, dear. Fixing things like that is just what I'm doing at the moment.
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:iconpetraeus27:
petraeus27 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012
No problem at all, really!! Iam glad I could help.
I love the seminar - its every summer and unfortunately this year the last time because the female professor turns old and soon will left the university. She once made an interview with Auschwitz-doctor Hans Münch (she is a german...Iam a german..from Berlin) who was acquitted from the polish court in 1947 because he acted human and refused to participate in the selections at the "Rampe". But in the interview with her he admitted that he - of course - did selections inside the camp to "clean out" the crowded barracks for new prisoners. And gone was his humanity.
H o w e v e r (sorry...I was overwhelmed..) if you have another question please be feel free to ask...^^...
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Well, now I have dozens of questions, many about Berlin and the rest of the country, that books and documentaries will not answer for me, but the most important one is probably: will you beta this for me when I have a third draft? I'd really rather not mangle any of the chapter headings or titles if I can help it. I do try to check everything, but it's hard to spot a misspelling in a language you don't really speak.


I'm researching what happened to Germany after the war just now, and it's some hideous stuff. When I was in school we always managed to cover the Holocaust but never so much the war surrounding it and never any detail about the aftermath.
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:iconpetraeus27:
petraeus27 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012
Oh wow. Of course the answer is simple: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Funny thing is that in my history class we never spoke about the Holocaust (because the teacher supposed we would learn about it in "German" and Ethics) but traveled very unprepared to Buchenwald.
And yeah, History of the post war era here is a chaotic, confusing and always split one.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Professional Writer
That was definitely one of the questions was whether you'd been to any of the camp sites. I would love to do that one day, and to see any remaining damage from the war itself, in Berlin and Dresden especially.

We learned a very strange and piecemeal Holocaust narrative what seemed like every year in school here in America. Or I did, anyway. Lots of Anne Frank and Schindler's List and no discussion whatsoever of WW1 or the Treaty of Versailles or what the countries around Germany were doing at the time or anything else that would've put what we were learning in any kind of larger context. I'm still trying to piece it together.

There's a six-hour PBS documentary called Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State that I watched very recently that I completely recommend to you or anyone else interested in this subject. It's more about the camps in general than the doctors specifically, but the Nazi they interview really...shows you what he is a few times, and it's frightening. It adds a monumental depth of understanding to see an officer in addition to survivors speaking about his experiences.

It also covers how Auschwitz was essentially a falling-down barracks when Höss arrived, and he had to scavenge and improvise and organize this place to accept prisoners within a ridiculously small amount of time. It's a perspective on what that entire situation must've been like on the ground that was new to me and very impressive. And the recreations are beautiful, with the actors speaking in German and kind of an audio-dub of spoken English instead of subtitles. Much more immersive.
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:iconjimmythebrave:
jimmythebrave Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I’ve wanted to say something about schadenfreude since I first read it.
But every time I try I can seem to find the words.

It’s beautiful and terrible all at the same time. It makes me shiver and feel physically sick on occasion, but all that can be forgiven because this little piece of literature, schadenfreude, it truly beautiful.
The same goes for anything you write, when my teachers ask me to write about my favourite books there’s no way i could write about lady stardust or fade, but they always come to mind first, so thank you.

I hope I got what I was trying to say across, please never stop writing.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you, dear. That's lovely of you. And yes, I don't think your teachers would dig that particularly. Mine nearly had a litter of kittens when she found out I wrote on A Clockwork Orange for my AP test.

After awhile there'll be a few you could probably get away with writing on, but I don't think Psychomotor is ever going to be one.

Don't worry. I will not be stopped.
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:iconjimmythebrave:
jimmythebrave Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh teachers.

I painted your beautiful lady stardust for an art class once. Nobody has been able to look at me the same since. My teacher thought he was gorgeous but now everybody reckons there's something wrong with me.

Oh well.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Fuck everybody and fuck what everybody thinks.

There's nothing wrong with you, dear. Or your teacher. They simply fear something they lack.

Mourning Gloria was a real band, and I have the case to their demo still, though some bastard has lost or stolen the completely irreplaceable tape.

I'm bizarrely proud that you did that. It must've been satisfying having a secret about it none of them could see.
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:iconjimmythebrave:
jimmythebrave Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for saying that, it makes me feel better.

My parents may think I’m a serial killer; my collection of dead bugs scares the shit out of them, but I’m pretty okay really, somewhere in there.

I’m sorry about your tape. At least they’re still in your head though, right?

You don’t know how wonderful that secret was.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Professional Writer
I have a baby bird skeleton, and a few other bones. The baby bird is perfectly flat and perfectly dried, and it is a beautiful marvel. It's like holding a dinosaur skeleton. I kept it because it was beautiful, and because a baby bird had to die to make that beautiful thing.

How do you preserve the bugs? I would think they'd be too fragile if just dried.
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:iconjimmythebrave:
jimmythebrave Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My bugs are in jars, they’re just dried but surprisingly they're not fragile. It’s probably because I’ve not really touched them since they went in.

Eventually I want to cover them in clear resin but that could take a while.
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Professional Writer
My beloved has a beetle he kept because she was the most beautiful peacock blue-green when you tilted her right. Very scarab-like. But she faded. She's still very pretty, but she looks like an antique now.

We had a nymph preying mantis on our back deck. Gods, she was gorgeous. She was so articulate, and so evolved. She would turn her head and look at me and him with those alien eyes. She made me think of the Giger xenomorphs. We took film of her, and pictures. I longed to pet her, but I didn't want to hurt or scare her.

You would probably like to have a toebiter (giant water bug? locally known as a "lubber") but you can bloody well catch your own. Those things are creepy in an ungood Lovecraft way. (shudder)
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(1 Reply)
:iconcheshire-shadow:
Cheshire-Shadow Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012
You know, by the time I reached the end, I immediately felt like that wasn't enough. But I can wait. I hope wherever it is you're going with these finishes one day; I'd love to see.

Gripping as ever; there's something about your prose that freezes me in place and I only realized I wasn't breathing when I gasped near the end. XD
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:iconthenineteen:
thenineteen Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2012  Professional Writer
Don't worry. That's not where that scene ends.

This is one of the ones that was referenced in flashback that I didn't realize I hadn't actually done. That's how I'm winding up with more evil.
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